In May, at 23 weeks, I started having contractions and bleeding. I was sufficiently freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I would have been happy going on bedrest, but I would have had to drop out of school. I wasn't dilating, but my doc put me on -nifedipine- to help stop the contractions and it worked, so I resumed my daily activities. The one time I missed a dose, I had major cramping, so I had to be careful to take my pills on time every day. Needless to say, thanks to this fun experience with preterm labor, it further solidified my idea that this baby would not make it to his due date. For some reason (probably for simplicity's sake) when people asked when I was due, I still said, "September 14th". So, for 6 months, 9/14 was on my mind, coming out of my mouth, and I associated this date with my little Kayden.
Of course, we all know the story from there; Kayden would live inside me until June 14th and no further. He was born sleeping on the 16th, and was laid to rest in the ground on the 23rd.
So why does today suck so bad? It's just a day on the calendar. It's on all my paperwork from my pregnancy: "EDD (Estimated Due Date) or EDC (Estimated Date of Confinement) : 9/14/12. Maybe it's the idea that this date should have been a happy one and it's not; that I should be a mother and I'm not; that I should have finally gotten to hear my baby cry after years of yearning for and wishing for that sound.
I have the right to be sad today, I know that. I didn't think I would need to-even yesterday when I casually mentioned to some ladies that I was supposed to be due today, I didn't feel anything. But I woke up with a heavy heart this morning and it was unexpected and frustrating. So for today I will allow myself to feel sad and think of my sweet Kayden.
you do deserve to be sad! that is normal and totally expected! I still get sad on my due dates for my losses! 12/20 and 5/15 are days that I will never forget and every year on those days I think of the 2 children I should have had! even though I now have 2 children it still makes me sad to look at children the ages of my first 2 pregnancies and realize what I could have had and don't. I think it is a pain that while with time becomes less raw it will never go away! so give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve, and know that you are normal every year I plant a bed of flowers.....the same flowers that I planted the day I found out that I lost my first baby. I think of it as a small reminder of the child that I never got to know and hold. know that there are so many of us that keep you and Evan in our prayers! I think about you often and pray that you will find comfort and peace at this difficult time
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