It gets better

I was doing really well at posting on this blog as well as our family blog. However, this past week I've felt weighed down. There is an invisible force pushing down on me and I can't seem to get out from underneath it. For some reason every time I'd start writing, I'd break down in tears and would be unable to continue. So, I'm reaching out here. I need help. Kayden died over 3 months ago and at first I did really well. I was able to compartmentalize my grief and sadness so that I could continue with my "regularly scheduled life" (as if the death of my sons was not part of the plan from before this earth life). Maybe it's just crashing down on me because of family troubles that have been taking place recently. Or maybe the denial has worn off and I'm suddenly, and shockingly, forced into depression and anger. Whatever the reason, I feel sad. I, for one, am not ashamed to admit that I'm depressed. Though, it's hard to draw a line between clinical depression and situational depression.  Everyone (and I mean the cosmic 'everyone'; the people I'm in contact with regularly and that I talk about my feelings with) has said, "It's natural for you to feel that way after a loss", or "It's expected that you would feel depressed."

Well, let me just say this: sometimes life sucks! It's a simple fact. God didn't put us here so that we could just sit around, stare at rainbows, be happy and eat cake (or brownies...I like brownies better). Life is SUPPOSED to be a trial. Some of us experience pain and tragedy that others haven't experienced yet, and some haven't/maybe won't experience pain to the extent that others do.  The fact I'm sad and depressed because of the circumstances in my life does NOT mean that I'm not 'enduring my trials well' or that I'm not dealing with my grief. It simply means that some really crappy things have happened that have overwhelmed me, and while I'm trying to process and deal with it all, it's sort of gotten the better of me...

...for now.

I AM NOT BROKEN! I'm just sad.
I AM STRONG! Even though I cry.
I HAVE FAITH! But sometimes I'm mad at God.
I AM A MOTHER. My kids are just angels.

I believe that God does not ask us to endure trials unless He KNOWS we're strong enough to handle them. For some reason, He sees in me the ability to come away from all this with my head up, and my faith intact (bruised and dirty though I may be.) Because He believes in me, I know I can do this. Even if today it kind of sucks!

I love love LOVE this video. The words that he speaks ring true in my heart and help me to gain perspective.

 "...He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost their precious loved ones. Each of us will have our own Fridays; those days when the universe itself seems shattered, and the shards of our world lie littered upon us in pieces. We will all experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays, but I testify in the name of the one who conquered death- SUNDAY WILL COME!" 
- Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin