It gets better

I was doing really well at posting on this blog as well as our family blog. However, this past week I've felt weighed down. There is an invisible force pushing down on me and I can't seem to get out from underneath it. For some reason every time I'd start writing, I'd break down in tears and would be unable to continue. So, I'm reaching out here. I need help. Kayden died over 3 months ago and at first I did really well. I was able to compartmentalize my grief and sadness so that I could continue with my "regularly scheduled life" (as if the death of my sons was not part of the plan from before this earth life). Maybe it's just crashing down on me because of family troubles that have been taking place recently. Or maybe the denial has worn off and I'm suddenly, and shockingly, forced into depression and anger. Whatever the reason, I feel sad. I, for one, am not ashamed to admit that I'm depressed. Though, it's hard to draw a line between clinical depression and situational depression.  Everyone (and I mean the cosmic 'everyone'; the people I'm in contact with regularly and that I talk about my feelings with) has said, "It's natural for you to feel that way after a loss", or "It's expected that you would feel depressed."

Well, let me just say this: sometimes life sucks! It's a simple fact. God didn't put us here so that we could just sit around, stare at rainbows, be happy and eat cake (or brownies...I like brownies better). Life is SUPPOSED to be a trial. Some of us experience pain and tragedy that others haven't experienced yet, and some haven't/maybe won't experience pain to the extent that others do.  The fact I'm sad and depressed because of the circumstances in my life does NOT mean that I'm not 'enduring my trials well' or that I'm not dealing with my grief. It simply means that some really crappy things have happened that have overwhelmed me, and while I'm trying to process and deal with it all, it's sort of gotten the better of me...

...for now.

I AM NOT BROKEN! I'm just sad.
I AM STRONG! Even though I cry.
I HAVE FAITH! But sometimes I'm mad at God.
I AM A MOTHER. My kids are just angels.

I believe that God does not ask us to endure trials unless He KNOWS we're strong enough to handle them. For some reason, He sees in me the ability to come away from all this with my head up, and my faith intact (bruised and dirty though I may be.) Because He believes in me, I know I can do this. Even if today it kind of sucks!

I love love LOVE this video. The words that he speaks ring true in my heart and help me to gain perspective.

 "...He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost their precious loved ones. Each of us will have our own Fridays; those days when the universe itself seems shattered, and the shards of our world lie littered upon us in pieces. We will all experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays, but I testify in the name of the one who conquered death- SUNDAY WILL COME!" 
- Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I can't believe how much He loves me

In honor on my 20,000th pageview, I thought I'd celebrate something I've learned the hard way over the past few years. However, I'm not as eloquent as THIS guy, so I'm just going to use his words. 

“Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can
imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite 

amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you. 

God does not look on the outward appearance. 

 I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in

a castle or a cottage,

if we are handsome or homely,

if we are famous or forgotten.

Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely.

Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly.

Though we may feel lost and

without a compass, God’s love encompasses us 

completely.

He loves us because He is filled with an infinite

measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love.

We are important to God 

not because of our resumé but because

we are His children. 

He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.God’s love is so great that He loves

even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked"

It's good to know I've got someone in my corner through

this life. The kind of someone who is always there, always

listening, always watching, and waiting for me to call on

him. And I know He'll answer me when I do. 

Much Love,

Whit

My Favorite Poems #2: The Lord's Child

The Lord's Child

"I'll lend you for a little time,
A Child of Mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years,
or twenty two or three.
But, will you, until I call for him,
Take care of him for me?"

"He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this Child to learn."

"I've looked this wide world over,
In search of teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's way,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Not think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come some day,
To call him back again?"

I fancied that I heard her say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,"
For all the joy the Child shall bring.
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may.
And for the happiness we have known,
Forever grateful stay.

But shall the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes.
And try to understand.

I know my boys are with my Savior and that He's taking care of them for me. I have this picture in my house and I'm so grateful for the reminder that they are in His loving care. :)

Much Love,

Whit

"Community"

People often tell me I am "so strong". I usually refer to my rockin' awesome support system after such comments, because I know that without the people around me that offer love and compassion, I would not/could not be strong. I want to expound on that support system because it's not just the people I see or talk to on the phone that I consider members of my support community.   

When you hear the word "community" you may think of a neighborhood, or a county. When it comes to community health, though, it takes on a less physical meaning limited by geographic boundaries. "Community" is characterized by the following:

1 Membership- a sense of identity and belonging

2 Common Symbol Systems- similar language, rituals, and ceremonies

3 Shared values and norms

4 Mutual Influence- community members have influence and are influenced by each other

5 Shared needs and commitment to meeting them

6 Shared emotional connection- members share common history, experiences, and mutual support

I belong to communities of grieving and awareness for stillbirth; I identify myself as an angel-mommy.

I speak about my sons and I use rituals such as lighting candles, placing flowers at their graveside, and releasing balloons in their memory.  

I feel hurt and sad because someone I love has died. This is NORMAL. I value life; the fact that the loss of that life hurts me, allows me to identify with most of the population because most people have lost someone they love.

I am now influenced by death more than I used to be. My heart hurts to hear that someone has experienced a loss because I feel empathy for them; I have felt heartache before and that allows me to be an influence for others going through a similar experience.

I need to remember my boys. If you have lost someone you love, you probably work to remember them just like I work to remember my boys. Along with that need, I am committed to meet it regardless of whether someone else thinks it's a good idea. (Yes, there are people out there that  think pictures of my boys are morbid, or that writing/thinking about them is unhealthy--shows how much they know, right?)

Finally, I have a history of loss just like those in my community. We have experienced a similar suffering and work to support each other.

Now that I've explained my community to you, I'll tell you the part that maybe you wouldn't expect:

YOU are part of this community! You have or have not lost a child, mother, father, husband, sibling, or anyone else that you love. But by feeling something for me while I've been on this difficult journey, you have entered into a circle of many many others that have also felt something for this loss of life. 

So, for the take-home message today: I need support. I need love and encouragement. Just like I said in the beginning, I am strong! That strength comes from you. The little messages that let me know you're thinking of my boys are worth INFINITELY more than you will ever know. If you do these things, I appreciate it! It doesn't take much to help me remember that I'm not alone. Comment here, or follow my blog. Share my blog with your friends so that someone somewhere can be touched by this COMMUNITY and find much-needed strength and comfort.

Much Love, 

Whit

My Favorite Poems #1: What Lasts?

The next few days I'll be posting my favorite poems/books that I've either found, or have been given over the past years. Today's poem is "What Lasts?". My dear angel-mommy friend, Sarah, had this poem engraved on the back of baby Benton's headstone. Benton is Scotlin's friend who passed away the week before him and they are buried next to each other in Logan, Utah. 

What lasts?

Ice cream melts, Flowers wilt,

The leaves of autumn fall.

Sunsets fade, Seasons change,

And children don’t stay small.

Balloons pop, Snowfalls stop,

Do summers last? Never!

Weekends fly, Today will die, but

FAMILIES ARE FOREVER!

Simple. Short. Sweet. The words that aren't included are the ones about the grief and sadness that accompanies the loss of a child. But that, too, does not last. I know that the sadness that is felt on this earth is temporary and I will have a fullness of joy again when my family is reunited, because the take home message today is: MY FAMILY IS FOREVER!

Much Love, Whit

P.S. I bought this little statue last week and am really excited about it. I already posted it on FB, but I want everyone to see it and have the opportunity to pre-order it if they want: 

Mommy's love goes with you

Here it the website. It won't be ready until October, but it's available to order now. 

September 14th

Given my history with pregnancy loss, when I found out I was pregnant with Kayden, I knew I wouldn't make it to my due date. The plan was to induce at 37 weeks just to make sure he got here safely. (I knew I would NOT have the emotional or mental capacity to get to 38 weeks again...I would have been a total wreck). 

In May, at 23 weeks, I started having contractions and bleeding. I was sufficiently freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I would have been happy going on bedrest, but I would have had to drop out of school. I wasn't dilating, but my doc put me on -nifedipine- to help stop the contractions and it worked, so I resumed my daily activities. The one time I missed a dose, I had major cramping, so I had to be careful to take my pills on time every day. Needless to say, thanks to this fun experience with preterm labor, it further solidified my idea that this baby would not make it to his due date. For some reason (probably for simplicity's sake) when people asked when I was due, I still said, "September 14th". So, for 6 months, 9/14 was on my mind, coming out of my mouth, and I associated this date with my little Kayden. 

Of course, we all know the story from there; Kayden would live inside me until June 14th and no further. He was born sleeping on the 16th, and was laid to rest in the ground on the 23rd. 

So why does today suck so bad? It's just a day on the calendar. It's on all my paperwork from my pregnancy: "EDD (Estimated Due Date) or EDC (Estimated Date of Confinement) : 9/14/12. Maybe it's the idea that this date should have been a happy one and it's not; that I should be a mother and I'm not; that I should have finally gotten to hear my baby cry after years of yearning for and wishing for that sound. 

I have the right to be sad today, I know that. I didn't think I would need to-even yesterday when I casually mentioned to some ladies that I was supposed to be due today, I didn't feel anything. But I woke up with a heavy heart this morning and it was unexpected and frustrating. So for today I will allow myself to feel sad and think of my sweet Kayden. 

And the results are in...MTHFR!!!

We've been hoping that something would come up that would shout at us "I'M THE PROBLEM!! FIX ME AND YOU'LL BE FINE!". Too bad that's not the case. 

If you've ever been pregnant (and even if you haven't) you probably know that folic acid (or folate) is important to the development of a healthy baby in utero. Among other things, a deficiency of this important vitamin can cause neural tube defects such as spina bifida. Luckily, my babies did not have this problem. They were both perfectly formed without any physical or chemical indication of neural tube defects. :)

However. My most recent blood studies showed a mutation having to do with the MTHFR gene, which stands for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (say that 5 times fast).  In words that are easy for me to understand, my body has a hard time processing folic acid. Doctors aren't entirely sure of the effects this can have during pregnancy. Some research has showed correlations between MTHFR and thrombolytic (clotting) events during pregnancy, but that wasn't very conclusive, and  it's not been studied enough to receive a consensual approval by the medical society. 

Bottom line: a normal multivitamin contains 400 micrograms of folic acid to receive 100% of the recommended dose. During pregnancy, doctors recommend their patients take 800 micrograms. With MTHFR, my doctor is recommending that I take 5000 mcg every day. Basically, they assume that any enzymes that are actually working to break down folic acid should be bombarded so that I have a higher chance of getting the folic acid that I need. Sounds a little sketchy, especially when one doctor says to take extra folic acid and another doctor says there's no point. I feel like I can't be a smart consumer and research what to do about it, because it's not out there, and what IS available, isn't reliable. Hopefully, if I keep searching, I'll eventually find some more answers. For now, I will do as I'm told and hope it's enough that we don't lose any more babies.

P.S. If you're related to me by blood, I'm supposed to tell you to get tested. It's also said to be linked to cancer, and cardiovascular disease. Take it or leave it. But hey, if you have it, we could be MTHFR-ing buddies!

Whit

Giveaway for a cause!!!

Our sweet boys, Kayden and Scotlin Lytle

     Here we go! Ev and I are excited to start this new adventure together as we raise money to help support bereaved families like ours. Toward the top of this page, you'll notice a tab that says "Angel Packages". We'd like to get the word out about our fundraising efforts, and what better way than to start with a giveaway. Below, I've posted a picture of my hand-made suncatcher that I made for Scotlin. It's made of beautiful Swarovski Crystals and is the most sparkly thing you've ever seen! It's a $50+ value and it's FREE to the lucky winner of this giveaway! Here's how you can enter:

You can earn as many entries as you want. The more of the following you do, the more your name goes in the drawing:

1. DONATE: On the "Angel Packages" tab, you'll find a paypal button to donate. For every $10 you donate, you get ONE (1) entry. (Donate $50, get 5 entries). Leave a comment with your name and email address at the bottom of this post telling me how many entries you have. 

2. SHARE: Share the link to this blog on your facebook page! It's as easy as copying this link: ( http://lytleangels.blogspot.com/  )

and pasting it on your page with a message about how cool it is to give to such a good cause. ;) Post a comment below with your name and email address to receive one (1) entry.

3. BLOG: If you have a blog, create a post with a brief description about our cause and link back to this blog. Encourage your friends/family to donate or to spread the word by entering the giveaway themselves. Leave a comment with your name, email address, and blog address for one (1) entry.

4. FOLLOW: "Follow" this blog on the right-hand side of the screen. Once you've done that, comment on this post with your name and email. (I'll be able to tell if you did it.) :)

If we get 100+ entries, I will add 5 extra (smaller) prizes, and those winners will be picked the same way. They'll be worth it, I promise.

This giveaway ENDS on October 1st, so be sure to get your entries in quickly! Thanks for all your love and support

In Memorial

     In the last few years, we've seen so many miracles. The people that surround us from day to day are kind, sincere, and so full of love. We've been so blessed to have so much support and to have witnessed the kindness of our loved ones, and especially of strangers. 

     God asked us to go on a journey that we never would have chosen and He has blessed us with strength and the power to endure along the way. This blog is to remember our sweet sons, Scotlin and Kayden, and to share our experiences with you in hopes that you may be lifted by the stories of our angels and their important roles in our lives.