Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The 24th always sucks!
Here we go again: the 24th of the month is upon us for the fourth time. It's funny that a mere number can hold such an important place in our hearts. The 23rd doesn't phase me and usually the 25th doesn't either. But that one day smack dab in between them carries such a daunting significance. I've been unlucky enough to have to work on the 24th in January, February and now I'm scheduled in March. I think I'll start taking it off. I usually don't get out of bed til really late, hardly eat anything all day because I have this crazy sickness in the pit of my stomach, cry so much that I end up with an insane headache, and become unnaturally introverted and quiet. All because 4 months ago today my little boy died. I don't mean to lay my crazy emotions out there for everybody to read about, but on this particular 24th, I'm really mad! I'm mad that my little boy never got to take a breath. I'm mad that he's not counted as a "real person". I'm mad that people around me say I'm strong (because I'm not). I'm mad that I have to wait until I die to hold him, and I'm mad that I'm mad. I do have a testimony, and I'm grateful for the reassuring truths of the gospel. But for now I just need to get through the day until the 25th comes and clears the clouds away and brings the sunshine back into my life. Mommy loves you Scotty!
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Oh Widget, I wish I could make the hurt and anger go away. I wish Scotlin was still here. We miss him. I look at his picture on my fridge every day and wish that we could hold him and see his sweet little face. I love you, and I am so so sorry! Let's start a petition to just get rid of the 24th of every month k?
ReplyDeleteI love you Whit. I'm mad too. Wish he was here!
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how you feel! We are keeping you in our prayers!!!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you....:)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you....thinking of me....thinking of the 24th. I won't say I feel your pain, because everyone experiences pain so different. But, I will say that I do feel pain, and I do share your hatred for the 24th. October 24th is when we said goodbye. I did request the first few 24ths off, only to work it this month with crazy desperation for "normalness". Complete failure! The 24th will always hold so many emotions, so let it out, and know that I will be thinking of you too on the dreaded 24ths.
ReplyDeleteI love you Whit and I'm so sorry you have to experience these feelings over and over. I think I'm done and then they come pouring back. Yesterday was one of those days and I spoke with a friend that told me that these days are a part of healing...I don't like these days at all, but if it means healing a little more I guess I'm grateful...
ReplyDeleteI do believe that it is important to give yourself permission to feel all of these emotions as painful as it is. Keep on my friend...but first embrace all of those emotions.