Getting Over The Hills

My sisters are both excellent writers and I love reading their blogs. The other day my sister wrote a post that linked back to THIS post about a year ago which seems fitting for me to blog about today. After a couple posts in a row about how terrible my life is, I thought it's probably time for me to find some perspective. This is the picture Julie blogged about that I wanted to share:

My mind seems to believe that God can only give me so many trials before He pours out the blessings. As nice as that would be...it just doesn't work like that. Heavenly Father gives us trials for us to learn and grow. While we're enduring them, it's really hard to see the big picture. Once we get to the top of our hill, we may see a beautiful view and think "Wow, that was totally worth it!" or, like in my case lately, we may see nothing but more and more hills up ahead. One benefit is that when we see those hills, we can look behind us and think, "Well, I just made it up that one...bring it on!" 

The most redeeming quality about these hills and the journey we're all on is that we're not ever alone. We have each other, and we have our Savior who has experienced the good and bad feelings of everything we have gone through or will go through. If, while we're struggling up our hills, we can remember to pray and to think about the view waiting for us at the top, we will endure well and we will be blessed! Happy December everyone!

Much Love

Just Keep Swimming

The past few weeks have been hard. Bearable, of course, and we've even seen the blessings from the trials, but oh my heavens, we're taking a beating down here! Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up and be done; tell the Lord, "sorry, but I just can't do this anymore!"

For example:

On the way to the Kansas City airport on Nov. 19 (where we would fly to Utah for my brother-in-law's wedding)...

...a suicidal deer decided to wreck our car...

...neither Evan nor I were hurt...

...and thanks to a different flight, President Coleman from the Chillicothe branch who woke up at 4am to take us to the airport, and a  lot of prayers on our behalf...

...we still made it to the wedding on time (with no time to spare...we literally walked into the temple at 1:28 for a 1:30 ceremony)  See:

The happily married couple! Congrats, you two

!

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For some reason, Evan and I are being tested. I'm not sure why. Ever have one of those days where you feel like saying, "How can this possibly get any worse", but you DON'T, because you know as soon as you say that, something else will go wrong. Well, that's how I've felt for the past month. Only problem is...I DID say it. Someone up there has got an awesome sense of humor, because after we dealt with insurance and figured out a rental car, we came back to Kirksville and the plumbing was JACKED. UP. The washer wasn't draining, the toilet was overflowing, the the basement was flooding. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!????      

Evan moved the utility sink away from the wall and revealed the drain...the source of the flooding. Totally disgusting!

You can't tell by these pictures, but there's a trough around the whole basement that's full of water too, as well as the shower that's in the other room in the basement that's flooded as well.

I'm blessed to have good friends, especially my friend Katie, the author of the blog, "Just Keep Swimming" who understand days like these and blog about the overwhelming feeling so that I can see that I'm totally normal...God tests us all. He can't give us the easy way out, but He can throw us a life jacket that helps make it easier. This is all gonna blow over and everything's gonna be fine!

Much Love

Right?

I can feel really, truly happy for my friends that are pregnant but at the same time be sad that I'm not, right? Well, for any of my friends that read this and either have babies, or are going to soon have babies, please don't think that I have any bad feelings toward you because of this post, because I definitely don't.

I just really really want to be pregnant and have wanted to be for years now. Yes, years, as in multiple. (I know that some who may read this can never get pregnant or never were able to get pregnant, and I'm not comparing my trials to yours...I'm just having kind of a rough day.) I think that for my personal trial, the fact that my son died suddenly, unexplained just before his due date makes not having a baby just a little more difficult than I thought it would be. Honestly, 2 years ago I was so certain that once we waited the 3 months we were told to wait, we would get pregnant right away because Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to keep hurting this bad, and getting pregnant again was the only thing that would help. And oh my, was I wrong. I can't say why I didn't get pregnant for a year and a half. Maybe it was the depression, maybe it was because I only weighed 102 lbs, or maybe it was my crazy 5p-5a full-time work schedule. All I know is that month after month was torture every time I started my period or didn't start my period til day 40 but kept getting negative pregnancy tests. And then we went on vacation.

Just before we moved and after we quit our jobs, we went on a week and a half trip to visit family. The day we were coming home, I realized that I had been feeling really icky for a few days, but it was only in the afternoons and would go away while I slept at night. I suddenly got really hopeful as I discussed my symptoms with Evan. He wanted me to wait, but I just couldn't...I had to get a pregnancy test. Of course it was positive! I knew it was even before I took the test. Steph knew because she went with me to get the test. The next day-back in Utah- I told my parents. I hadn't planned on telling anyone else, but my mom cried as soon as I walked in the door because she knew it was going to be the last time she saw me for awhile, so I figured telling would ease the pain a bit because I knew she'd be so happy.

My mom went on trek that week with the stake, so I wasn't able to call her on Monday when I started bleeding. It was just spotting, and that was normal, right? I wanted to call my sister and ask, but I still didn't want to tell anyone. I looked it up online and that was NO help.

Wednesday: My Birthday: The day we packed the moving truck to move- I miscarried. I had only just found out I was pregnant-5 1/2 weeks. Why did it hurt so bad? Granted, it didn't feel like a knife in my chest like when Scotlin died...but....we had waited so long and finally caught a break. Now this.

So this whole story is probably irrelevant, but I kind of just wanted to put it out there. No one in my day to day interactions knows about this. Most of them don't even know I'm a mother. It hurts. It's hard to be left out of the "mom chatter" because my son isn't running around and playing with the other kids at playgroup. I'm not pregnant (which I swear everything around here revolves around), so I'm kind of just an outcast. And the worst part is: I can't do a single thing about it. I don't really have anything else to say, but I'm gonna post this anyway just so my blogger buddies can see my human side. If you choose to comment, please don't say anything mean, or downplay my feelings...it doesn't help.

(I'm also not proofreading...sorry)