I've kind of been stuck in a rut. I guess that happens to the best of us at one point or another, but this one's getting harder and harder to get out of. Here's an example of my typical day:
Stay in bed til 11:30 or noon; usually the only reason I even get up is because I'm bored of lying there. Evan has usually been up since 6:30 or 7 and he's gone to class and come home already.
Sometimes I shower after getting up but usually I just lounge around the house in my PJ's until something comes up that causes me to get ready for the day like work.
If it's a Monday or a Friday I go to work at 2:30 and am there til 10:30 so that pretty much shoots the rest of my day to heck. When I come home Evan and I might chill, or watch the Discovery channel until we feel tired and eventually go to bed around midnight or 1 am.
2-3 hours after that, I'm lucky if I'm asleep. Usually I lie awake for hours on end feeling sorry for myself that Scotlin's not here and for the fact that I can never get to sleep once I'm in bed. This is bad, you see, because being up til 4 or 5 in the morning just feeds the cycle of sleeping til noon and wasting my day away.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst because I'm lucky if I even shower or eat let alone make it out of the house.
I remember in primary singing "Early to bed and early to rise will make a man healthy and wealthy and wise". I believe it, I really do, but somehow my broken heart, my melted brain and my washed-up body can't sync up well enough for me to find the motivation to do the things that will jump start me back onto that healing path; that path where I can find beauty in things again, see a baby without crying, go outside and feel happy that the sun is shining, and get out of bed without feeling that the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders.
And then Heavenly Father sent me a message:
On Saturday, Evan and I were asked to meet with the Stake President and the Area Authority Seventy. We couldn't figure why they wanted to see us, but it turned out that they just wanted to talk about Scotlin and to see how we were doing. During our 30 minute "talk" they both bore their testimonies that we would be with Scotlin again, and they assured us that they, as well as Heavenly Father, are still aware of us and of our pain and our heartache. They told us that we had a special kind of faith that is going to help us through this trial. Then our Stake President prayed for us--and I cried.
I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how low you sink, Our Savior will always be willing to stoop to our level to bring us back up again. I know He's still with us, just the same as Scotlin is still with us. I know He catches my tears and He cries with me. I know He isn't trying to punish us. And most importantly, I know we will be with Scotlin again. For now I'll just consider him lucky that he has the easiest babysitting job any of our kids will ever have...cause right now all his siblings are angels :)
