An Answer to an Unsaid Prayer

In my church, we have a huge meeting twice a year called General Conference. We believe in a living prophet that has all the power and authority to speak for God on earth today. This prophet and his apostles are considered special witnesses of Jesus Christ and teach us the things that our Father in Heaven needs us to hear. This is an opportunity to make the necessary changes to adapt to a growing world and to accommodate for the things that God needs his children to focus on in order to prepare to meet him. I look forward to this conference as a time to realign my attitudes and goals with a focus on my Savior and being a better disciple of Him.

This fall as conference approached, I read that one way to prepare for conference is to write down specific questions that I would like to have answered during conference. I have done this before and have been blessed with answers that have directed my life and my decisions.  This time, I couldn't think of a question. But as I pondered, I knew in my heart that I just needed to know that Heavenly Father was mindful of me and the trial I was struggling with. The past month, I've been angry. I have felt cheated and abused; like I've been picked on and forced to endure more heartache than was fair. 

I was scrubbing my bathroom floor while I listened to conference when this talk (above) came on. Elder Bowen described his experience with the death of his son and the pain he and his family endured. EVERY WORD seemed to describe my sorrow in perfect detail. I sat on the floor with my sudsy brush in my gloved hand and sobbed. 

I hadn't written down a question, and I hadn't prayed before conference. My loving Heavenly Father just told me, through Elder Bowen's beautifully expressed words, that He loved me and knows how much I'm hurting. I felt relieved and uplifted. Suddenly the texts, calls, and Facebook messages started pouring in, "I thought of you and your angels during that last talk."

Sometimes I feel so alone, left to grieve my sons' absence with Evan as the rest of the world moves on and we can't. Then I get a nudge like this and am reminded that I'm never alone and have loving, kind family and friends that think of us and pray for us.

I'm grateful that God used Elder Bowen to tell the world that sometimes babies die, and it's heartbreaking. It's devastating. It is not fair. But that there is hope in this bleak existence without them that we are going to see them again. CHILDREN under the age of accountability (8 years old) DO NOT NEED BAPTISM! Jesus Christ loves the children. He implores us to be like them: meek, mild, submissive. How can they be damned?! I'm grateful that I have a knowledge of the fullness of the gospel and that I KNOW my sons are waiting for me. Thank you to all who wrote us, or even thought of us and our angels today. We appreciate it beyond words!

Much Love, 

Whit

Favorite Poems #3: What Makes A Mother

Missing my sweet boys today. But I did finally find this pic of Scotlin that I've been looking for for a long time. :) 

Scotlin is buried with the blanket I made for him, his teddy bear, and a picture of Mommy and Daddy 

WHAT MAKES A MOTHER? 

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today 

I asked, "What makes a Mother?" 

And I know I heard him say,

“A Mother has a baby” 

This we know is true 

“But God, can you be a mother 

When your baby's not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” he replied 
With confidence in his voice

“I give many women babies 

When they leave it is not their choice. 

Some I send for a lifetime 

And others for the day

And some I send to fill your womb 

But there's no need to stay.”

“I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here”

He took a breath and cleared his throat 

And then I saw a tear.

“I wish that I could show you

What your child is doing here.

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say:”

‘We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear, but 

My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly, 

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

I visit her each day. 

When she goes to sleep 

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek 

And whisper in her ear

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today 

I'm your baby and I am here"’

So you see my dear sweet one 

Your child is okay 

Your baby is here in My home 

And this is where he’ll stay. 

I hate being an angel mom, but love my angels! I will continue to remember and honor them for the rest of my life, but especially this month, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

Much Love, 

Whit

It gets better

I was doing really well at posting on this blog as well as our family blog. However, this past week I've felt weighed down. There is an invisible force pushing down on me and I can't seem to get out from underneath it. For some reason every time I'd start writing, I'd break down in tears and would be unable to continue. So, I'm reaching out here. I need help. Kayden died over 3 months ago and at first I did really well. I was able to compartmentalize my grief and sadness so that I could continue with my "regularly scheduled life" (as if the death of my sons was not part of the plan from before this earth life). Maybe it's just crashing down on me because of family troubles that have been taking place recently. Or maybe the denial has worn off and I'm suddenly, and shockingly, forced into depression and anger. Whatever the reason, I feel sad. I, for one, am not ashamed to admit that I'm depressed. Though, it's hard to draw a line between clinical depression and situational depression.  Everyone (and I mean the cosmic 'everyone'; the people I'm in contact with regularly and that I talk about my feelings with) has said, "It's natural for you to feel that way after a loss", or "It's expected that you would feel depressed."

Well, let me just say this: sometimes life sucks! It's a simple fact. God didn't put us here so that we could just sit around, stare at rainbows, be happy and eat cake (or brownies...I like brownies better). Life is SUPPOSED to be a trial. Some of us experience pain and tragedy that others haven't experienced yet, and some haven't/maybe won't experience pain to the extent that others do.  The fact I'm sad and depressed because of the circumstances in my life does NOT mean that I'm not 'enduring my trials well' or that I'm not dealing with my grief. It simply means that some really crappy things have happened that have overwhelmed me, and while I'm trying to process and deal with it all, it's sort of gotten the better of me...

...for now.

I AM NOT BROKEN! I'm just sad.
I AM STRONG! Even though I cry.
I HAVE FAITH! But sometimes I'm mad at God.
I AM A MOTHER. My kids are just angels.

I believe that God does not ask us to endure trials unless He KNOWS we're strong enough to handle them. For some reason, He sees in me the ability to come away from all this with my head up, and my faith intact (bruised and dirty though I may be.) Because He believes in me, I know I can do this. Even if today it kind of sucks!

I love love LOVE this video. The words that he speaks ring true in my heart and help me to gain perspective.

 "...He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost their precious loved ones. Each of us will have our own Fridays; those days when the universe itself seems shattered, and the shards of our world lie littered upon us in pieces. We will all experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays, but I testify in the name of the one who conquered death- SUNDAY WILL COME!" 
- Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I can't believe how much He loves me

In honor on my 20,000th pageview, I thought I'd celebrate something I've learned the hard way over the past few years. However, I'm not as eloquent as THIS guy, so I'm just going to use his words. 

“Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can
imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite 

amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you. 

God does not look on the outward appearance. 

 I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in

a castle or a cottage,

if we are handsome or homely,

if we are famous or forgotten.

Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely.

Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly.

Though we may feel lost and

without a compass, God’s love encompasses us 

completely.

He loves us because He is filled with an infinite

measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love.

We are important to God 

not because of our resumé but because

we are His children. 

He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.God’s love is so great that He loves

even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked"

It's good to know I've got someone in my corner through

this life. The kind of someone who is always there, always

listening, always watching, and waiting for me to call on

him. And I know He'll answer me when I do. 

Much Love,

Whit

My Favorite Poems #2: The Lord's Child

The Lord's Child

"I'll lend you for a little time,
A Child of Mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years,
or twenty two or three.
But, will you, until I call for him,
Take care of him for me?"

"He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this Child to learn."

"I've looked this wide world over,
In search of teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's way,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Not think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come some day,
To call him back again?"

I fancied that I heard her say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,"
For all the joy the Child shall bring.
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may.
And for the happiness we have known,
Forever grateful stay.

But shall the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes.
And try to understand.

I know my boys are with my Savior and that He's taking care of them for me. I have this picture in my house and I'm so grateful for the reminder that they are in His loving care. :)

Much Love,

Whit

"Community"

People often tell me I am "so strong". I usually refer to my rockin' awesome support system after such comments, because I know that without the people around me that offer love and compassion, I would not/could not be strong. I want to expound on that support system because it's not just the people I see or talk to on the phone that I consider members of my support community.   

When you hear the word "community" you may think of a neighborhood, or a county. When it comes to community health, though, it takes on a less physical meaning limited by geographic boundaries. "Community" is characterized by the following:

1 Membership- a sense of identity and belonging

2 Common Symbol Systems- similar language, rituals, and ceremonies

3 Shared values and norms

4 Mutual Influence- community members have influence and are influenced by each other

5 Shared needs and commitment to meeting them

6 Shared emotional connection- members share common history, experiences, and mutual support

I belong to communities of grieving and awareness for stillbirth; I identify myself as an angel-mommy.

I speak about my sons and I use rituals such as lighting candles, placing flowers at their graveside, and releasing balloons in their memory.  

I feel hurt and sad because someone I love has died. This is NORMAL. I value life; the fact that the loss of that life hurts me, allows me to identify with most of the population because most people have lost someone they love.

I am now influenced by death more than I used to be. My heart hurts to hear that someone has experienced a loss because I feel empathy for them; I have felt heartache before and that allows me to be an influence for others going through a similar experience.

I need to remember my boys. If you have lost someone you love, you probably work to remember them just like I work to remember my boys. Along with that need, I am committed to meet it regardless of whether someone else thinks it's a good idea. (Yes, there are people out there that  think pictures of my boys are morbid, or that writing/thinking about them is unhealthy--shows how much they know, right?)

Finally, I have a history of loss just like those in my community. We have experienced a similar suffering and work to support each other.

Now that I've explained my community to you, I'll tell you the part that maybe you wouldn't expect:

YOU are part of this community! You have or have not lost a child, mother, father, husband, sibling, or anyone else that you love. But by feeling something for me while I've been on this difficult journey, you have entered into a circle of many many others that have also felt something for this loss of life. 

So, for the take-home message today: I need support. I need love and encouragement. Just like I said in the beginning, I am strong! That strength comes from you. The little messages that let me know you're thinking of my boys are worth INFINITELY more than you will ever know. If you do these things, I appreciate it! It doesn't take much to help me remember that I'm not alone. Comment here, or follow my blog. Share my blog with your friends so that someone somewhere can be touched by this COMMUNITY and find much-needed strength and comfort.

Much Love, 

Whit

My Favorite Poems #1: What Lasts?

The next few days I'll be posting my favorite poems/books that I've either found, or have been given over the past years. Today's poem is "What Lasts?". My dear angel-mommy friend, Sarah, had this poem engraved on the back of baby Benton's headstone. Benton is Scotlin's friend who passed away the week before him and they are buried next to each other in Logan, Utah. 

What lasts?

Ice cream melts, Flowers wilt,

The leaves of autumn fall.

Sunsets fade, Seasons change,

And children don’t stay small.

Balloons pop, Snowfalls stop,

Do summers last? Never!

Weekends fly, Today will die, but

FAMILIES ARE FOREVER!

Simple. Short. Sweet. The words that aren't included are the ones about the grief and sadness that accompanies the loss of a child. But that, too, does not last. I know that the sadness that is felt on this earth is temporary and I will have a fullness of joy again when my family is reunited, because the take home message today is: MY FAMILY IS FOREVER!

Much Love, Whit

P.S. I bought this little statue last week and am really excited about it. I already posted it on FB, but I want everyone to see it and have the opportunity to pre-order it if they want: 

Mommy's love goes with you

Here it the website. It won't be ready until October, but it's available to order now.